Car Troubles-A Test of Trust and Provision, and a fight for JOY

I drive a Jetta.  A sleek, silver, 1999 Volkswagen Jetta.  And in the last 2 months, I have been in possession of my car for 2 weeks, and had the ability to drive it for one week.  Yes, that's right. ONE.   It all started on a hot day in Grand Junction when the car lurched forward as I as slowing down, and for 200 miles from GJ to D-town, refused to shift out of 3rd gear.  Imagine flying down the highway at 70 miles an hour at 4500 RPM.  You kinda feel like the car is going to combust.  So i took it to AAMCO (big mistake), and they had it for about 5 weeks on and off, fixed the transmission, replaced some electrical wires, lost a few parts, and left behind a south-park stress-ball on the floor of my front seat. $2500 later, my car is returned to what I believe working order.  the check engine light remains on, the loud clanking noise continues from the bottom of my car, and the brakes start grinding.  I learned to change brake pads (saving about $300), and purchasing a special VW tool for brakes (thank you Germans).  I get it diagnosed (supposedly free? no, that'll be $90).  Still need a catalytic converter. (ranges between $150 and $1500, big gap, right?)  My mom so graciously takes it to get snow tires yesterday, and as we go to pick it up, they say, we're gonna need you to take a look at something.  The bearings are completely broken, not safe to drive on the highway.  That's nice because i drive 22 miles on the highway to work everyday, and it's not safe to drive across the freaking street.  So what are the morals of this saga??....oh, they are endless.

To begin, MONEY.  I have been in the working world for about 7 months now, 2 jobs, 8-5 job, massaging, etc.  July was the first month where I was able to pay for absolutely everything on my own.  No need to ask for help on my health insurance, gas money, whatever else.  When did the car problems start? oh, August.  Of course.  I don't want to rely on my parents for this, but there is no way i would have been able to pay the nearly $3500 bill that has slowly accumulated over the past 2 months.  And I thought I was doing SO well.  NOPE.  And I live at home.  Could I even afford to pay rent anywhere? NOPE.  So my parents are still my financial crutch, even though, for the first time IN MY LIFE, i am able to pay for EVERYTHING!! I really am proud of this!  Being an adult is SO HARD!!
What I can't seem to get into my head is that THE MONEY HAS BEEN PROVIDED.  End of story.  There is nothing I can do about it. Or atleast, my newly adult brain just doesn't know quite yet what to do.  This is so humbling.  is this helplessness or trust??  I was reading yesterday in My Utmost for His Highest.  The theme was Trust.  Can we come to a point in our faith that we do not focus on blessings or lacktherof, and not notice because we hunger SO much for God himself that blessings or not all we want is HIM??? THAT is trust.  THAT is love.  THAT is HIM.  Our gloomy outlook never grays our lives again as we focus fully on Him.  The gloom may be there, but His light is so blinding we don't even notice, nor do we even care, because we KNOW and TRUST that He is providing and molding and testing and, nothing else, but LOVING. We no longer crave God's blessings, we crave only God Himself.  Can we come to a point where God can withdraw His blessings from us without our trust in Him being affected?  Once we truly see God at work, we will never be concerned again about the things that happen, because we are actually trusting in our Father in Heaven, whom the world cannot see.

Another lesson, SACRIFICE.  My mom has given me her car to use.  So she remains at home.  She does not feel stuck, because she is newly retired, and ready for uninterrupted REST.  That is a mother, my mother to say the least.  Sacrificing for her daughter who is struggling to not only hold onto the end of the rope that leads into adulthood, but fighting, with all her might, to climb up it.  I have to be in Castle Rock 6 days a week for work.  Too far to be dropped off and picked up later.  So I guess, THANKS MOM! You are a great example of a powerful woman I dream to be someday.

JOY in suffering.  That was the third lesson.  Last night at K-Life, one of the leaders spoke about the Upside-Down Kingdom.  How we are to find JOY in suffering.  why? because God has a purpose behind it.  From sharpening our character, to testing our faith, to increasing our trust, to proving His provision and not relying on our power alone.It is HARD to say, God, I trust that you will provide for my car, protect me as I drive up the street.  It's easy to run the other way.  So say, heck no God, this is too much.  But the reward, the true JOY that you taste in trusting Him, makes you hungry for more of HIM, once again thirsting only for HIM and not requiring blessings because you trusted.

TRUST, SACRIFICE, and JOY....because of a car.  who would've ever imagined the fruit that would be born from this seemingly simple necessity?

A Birthday...in photos

Happy Birthday to You!

My Favorite Pumpkin Patch on the Foothills Highway

Some of my Crazies

Howarts in Legos

Better than a Keg

Kim jumping...that's her blurry face

FALL!

A very snoozy birthday

Shawty

it's DAYSHA

Long's Peak in all its Glory

Gumbo...homemade by my favorite Cajun

A new Epoch

I started this blog to chronicle my 25th year. i also want to reflect on the life i have lived until this year, how it has molded me into who i am, who i want to be, what i wish i did differently, and to just take time to reflect and..well...chronicle...my life at 25.

I have made many decisions in my life and they have gotten me to where i am today...many of which i could do again, learn differently, or display differently in my character. These aren't necessarily regrets, because in all honesty i believe that i can change them, or try again, or just DO it now or sometime in the future. But it's hard. very very difficult somehow.

Being an adult is arduous...it really is anything but simple. From making money, to paying for things, to living out who you are and who you want to be in opposition to what other's desire of you and how they believe life should be lived, to intentional relationships, to the provision of daily necessities, to physical capabilities, mental limitations, and spiritual desires and differences.

I saw a commercial yesterday about a puzzle with billions of pieces. You are a piece of the puzzle, and as you get put into place alongside others, a picture becomes apparent. But finding your place is hard. People latch onto you and try to force themselves in next to you in so many ways. Resistance become a barrier between you and success, and that may have never been the intention.

People may not tell you you're living your life the 'wrong way', but the way they communicate tells you that you're doing it wrong. They forget the path that brought them to where they are. The lessons they had to learn. And lessons aren't necessarily bad, but they tell you that you want to or don't want to live a certain way. And the fact of the matter is, everyone's take-home lesson is different. The message might be the same, but the words and thoughts that were captured are different.

I guess my message here is...there is no 'right way'. There are many 'right ways' and many 'wrong ways'....and those can flip flop for everyone. You can do things one right way for a while, then decide it is no longer 'your right way'. Then you head down 'another right way' for a while. And you can be going down 'many right ways' at once, and someone may see you as going down 'one very wrong way', but that is 'their wrong way', not yours. You can even blind people to 'certain right ways' you are on because they feel it is a 'wrong way', so they may only see one of your 'right ways', and they too feel it is a 'right way'.

In one week I have 'many ways'...I have the 'work way', the '8-5 way', the 'massage work non 8-5 way', the 'church way', the 'Jesus way', the 'beer way', the 'fun and games way', the 'adventure way'. And those add up to months of different ways. And then one day 'your way' changes to a 'new way' for a few months, and you fully plan on going back to 'other ways', but for now, this is 'your right way'. Your 'right where you need to be for now' way.

The hard part is when you feel as if you are standing on your own two feet, but others see you as standing on one, and using others as crutches. But if you honestly feel that you are standing firmly on your own two feet, no one can take that away from you. They may not know the whole truth...and in some ways that is none of their business...you have to find your 'right and wrong ways', just like they did...like they still are...

Life is fluid...it is a balancing act of so many entities. Rebalancing is futile, change is inevitable and necessary. Confidence in your 'right way' and that no matter how you feel now, in the next epoch, all these issues will resolve themselves, become pleasant habits, or powerful omissions...and you will have a new way to fit yourself into the bigger picture.

So here's to my 25th year...of re-balancing, re-juvinating, re-discovering, re-issuing the right and wrong ways...and to a fresh confidence that the picture I am painting is beautiful, and that craftmanship of my heart is intentionally the design to be Rendered Radiant.